Back

Breeze was trying to tell about my back in 140 characters or less. I want to clarify.

<Whine ON>

• 1967, grade school – Probably unrelated – Fell on my tailbone in the playground and nobody noticed I was lying on the pavement in pain. When it subsided I got up and went into class. Didn’t tell teacher or parents for reasons that are still unclear to me.
• 1969, grade school – Stepped on base playing kickball. Intense pain and left leg wouldn’t move. School nurse said “You’re too young to be throwing your back out.” Ok… Osteopath crunched it back and in a few days I went right back to playing kickball and softball.
• 1969, summer – Some idiot hit me in the forehead with the point of a big-assed curved blade. We played rough back then. LOL!! Concussion.
• 1970, grade school – Playing volleyball, “threw back out.” Maybe twice that year. Took in “developmental gym” for weakness in leg and tight hamstrings.
• 1971, high school – Thrown from a horse – landed on my feet running. LOL! Pain and weakness in the same leg afterward. Didn’t seek medical attention. Got right back on the horse. Later that year was in a rodeo, third place in the keyhole race. Bet you didn’t know that about me! But you see what I would have missed if I let them oppress me!
• 1972, high school – Playing basketball, “threw back out.” I had to forge doctors notes to keep playing sports. Occasional clumsiness from injuries kept me from being on the school teams.
  For years I continued playing football, volleyball, and softball whenever the opportunity presented itself.

• 1978 – Auto accident – rear-ended at stop light. Neck sprain, back sprain, concussion. Physical therapy.
• 1979 – Severe beating – Some asshole sucker-punched me and knocked out me out cold, then continued kicking me while I was unconscious. I woke up in a rage. I moved out of state a week later. Concussion and neck sprain. Incidentally a broken nose, deviated septum and broken eye socket. I couldn’t afford surgery at the time, but had them fixed and bone fragments removed 20-some years later.
  Uh-Oh, here comes another one of life’s lessons. LOL!!!

• 1980 – Auto accident – Riding in the bed of a pickup truck and thrown against the back window when the driver hit a tree. I was knocked out cold and when I woke up I didn’t remember what had happened. Neck sprain and mild traumatic brain injury. Turned away at ER, not sure why, no insurance I guess. Nowadays people get treated regardless of ability to pay.
  My memory of the actual injury didn’t come back until early the next morning. Woke up from a dream where the window flew at me and there was blinding pain.
  Had a migraine and visual disturbances for three to four weeks, treatment consisted of… well, nothing. Ergotamine.

• 1981 – “Threw back out” reaching down to pick up a box at work. – Sciatica and leg weak. Several weeks chiropractic.
• 1984 – Auto accident – Totalled my car rear-ending a much larger vehicle on the way to work. Back and neck sprains, chiropractor.
  Within the next month I was in two more of the same sort of accident while riding with others. Aggravated injuries. Chiropractic.

• 1985 – Auto accident – Hit another car from behind on the way home from work. Neck sprain again. Chiropractic.
  Despite pain, was playing a lot of volleyball and was on the company softball team. Learned to kayak and worked weekends as a whitewater guide. You can’t stop just because of pain. Also worked out on elliptical trainers (Nautilus) three times a week. The advantage of ellipticals is that they are safer than free weights so you don’t need a spotter. The disadvantage is that they isolate the muscles so they don’t help real world mobility or strength. I still like them a lot.

• 1987 – Car accident – Was rear ended by an old lady at an intersection. She actually yelled at me that she didn’t see me. Neck sprain.
• 1987 – Another car accident – rear-ended by an SUV that pushed me right through an intersection. The guy who hit me was a local politician and he had a traffic light installed within a couple of weeks. Neck and back sprain.
• 1988 – WTF happened in 1988? Oh, I remember. Concussion playing softball – got hit right in the forehead trying to catch a pop fly.
• 1988 – Then tendinitis in wrist from kayaking. Had to stop mountain biking and going to the gym. Fired from job because of missing work due to physical therapy, and probably because of resulting depression.
  It was around then that pain became chronic. Began to have trouble keeping a job. Sold kayak and mountain bike. Stopped working out at gym. Haven’t played sports since the early 90s except two volleyball games. The first one I was networking for a job (which I got) and joined a pick up game. The next one was at a company picnic. I threw myself down in the sand to dig out a ball and freaking hurt my back again.
  That’s the worst part, not being able to play sports.

• 1999 – Doc wanted me on SSDI. I was having a lot of trouble walking any distance, i.e. grocery shopping. They turned me down and I didn’t know at the time you’re supposed to appeal the decision. I thought it meant I was just being a drama queen about it.
  Since I was out of work anyway I and went to school full-time to finish up my degree. My bro left me just enough money to do this. Worked a bunch of years after that despite disability.

• 2001 – At this time my back flared up for no particular reason. MRI showed the disk at L5-S1 was gone, the vertebrae were bone-on-bone, but it shouldn’t cause that much pain. Began having epidurals whenever there was a flareup. I’ve since had several courses of epidurals. Sometimes they provide long-term relief, sometimes they don’t.
• 2003 – Weak ankle had been collapsing a lot, and this time it did so when I was photographing wildlife on rocky terrain. Twisted back in the fall. But I saved the camera! LOL!! Wore a cast on lower leg and had more epidurals.
• 2007 – Auto accident. Was stopped in construction traffic on my way home from work. A lawyer who was texting or something rear-ended me at at high speed.
  Herniated/bulging discs, one in Lumbar spine and three in the neck. Neck has little normal curvature now. Constant pain since except when insurance pays for a series of epidurals in my lower back.

• 2010 – Applied for SSDI again. Lawyer explained that EVERYONE gets turned down the first time.
• 2012 – SSDI started and now I can work on back and neck issues full-time, within the limitations of money for co-pays. PT is costing $240 a month which is a hardship but doable. My goal is to be back to work by the end of 2014. I feel like a leech, a drain on the system. DON’T tell me I paid into the system so I’m entitled.
• 2013 – Orthopedic surgeon wants to stabilize neck/reduce stenosis/improve swallowing by immobilizing 3 (4?) vertebrae with some kind of metal shit, and that the surgery will be too extensive to do with a small incision from the side. I won’t be able to turn my head if I do this, and doc says I won’t be able to drive. NO WAY!!! Physical therapy aggravates it ALL but there is no other acceptable option. He also mentioned a broken Transverse Process, but say PT will help, no surgery necessary.

So that’s where I am now. Medicare won’t pay for another epidural for another few months.

Painkillers get me too stoned to drive or do housework – though housework is difficult either way. Chronic pain is demoralizing, sometimes even soul-sucking, but it’s important to remember that life goes on. Sunsets, wildlife, the garden, my cats.

I have good days when I can get shit done, and I have bad days when I can’t stand for more than a few minutes or get down the stairs to do laundry. For the most part I just keep hobbling in the right direction. I am looking forward to getting the OK to start working out with weights or at least elliptical trainers.

I’m also thinking about going to school for graphic design, specifically 3D modelling. I need some structure in my life!

My long-term goal is to get back in a kayak again.
<Whine OFF>

Not a word more about this, please. I just want to be as normal as possible whenever possible.